


In Space, No One Can Hear You Cringe

by Mytay



Series: Adjust Orbit and Velocity [5]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Second-Hand Embarrassment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-30 04:29:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12100743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mytay/pseuds/Mytay
Summary: “Um, if everyone’s all done, I need to have a talk with Lance and Keith.”“Is this about using the gravity well on Trell to slingshot their lions into the nearby sun?” Coran rubbed his hands together. “Near incineration merits a talking-to, and I feel like, as an honorary uncle of sorts, no, an older brother of refined —”“We didn’t nearly incinerate,” Keith protested. “We had it totally under control and we out-maneuvered the Galra ships, which was the whole point of —”Shiro reached beneath the table and slammed something onto the surface. “Okay, if you don’t want to witness me giving a supremely awkward talk about safe sex and consent, then kindly leave the room.”— Objects in Motion, Chapter 6On day 342 of Voltron, Lance and Keith face death by embarrassment. Shiro is a great leader. There are space condoms, and he will tell you all about them. Lance and Keith contemplate the possibility of cringing themselves out of existence.





	In Space, No One Can Hear You Cringe

**Author's Note:**

> You know, I had no plans to ever write this scene. I left it fade to black in _Objects in Motion_ because I was dying just thinking about it. But then a couple of awesome people, **situationoverload** and **Minarzipan** (and possibly someone else? Apologies if I’ve forgotten you!), requested it, and here I am. If I’m gonna curl up into a ball of second-hand-embarrassment, so are all of you ;)
> 
>  **Warning:** For some pretty blunt discussions about safe and sane sex. Also, this may not be entirely accurate, for the sake of a few laughs, so please do _not_ use this fic as a guide, _oh god no_. Please do your own research on reputable sites ( _not_ porn), and discuss things thoroughly with your partner and _oh my god I’m turning into Shiro._
> 
> (Thanks for reading, if you’re willing to! *hugs*)
> 
>  **Edit Sept. 26, 2017:** Ah, please check out [the amazing art](http://likekanekismask.tumblr.com/post/165759790685/finally-finished-this-is-a-scene-from-the) that **likekanekismask** created! Thanks so much, dear!

******

_Castle of Lions_

_Date: 342 Days of Voltron_

_Dining Hall at Dinnertime_

Lance winked at Keith as he sat down across from the Red Paladin. He didn’t normally sit so far from Keith, but Lance was really hungry tonight. If he was right next to the Red Paladin, he tended to not eat all that much — too distracted. He grinned happily when Keith tilted his head towards the seat next to him, and then actually kind of, sort of pouted when Lance refused to move.

 

Damn, but his boyfriend was _adorable_.

 

Their meals often ended up with Lance trying to get as much contact with Keith as he could in a public setting, with Keith pretending to be annoyed … while one of his hands snuck under the table and settled on Lance’s thigh.

 

Lance was _awesome_ at flirting, he knew that he was _charming_ , _like_ _whoa_ , and he was keeping a tally of all the times he had made Keith blush (it was in the hundreds now, with many sub-categories and particular favourite blushes, like the one that started at Keith’s neck and spread like a soft pink wave.)

 

But then Keith would shift that hand upwards, _totally without shame_ …

 

And that would usually be when Lance would throw in the towel, _holy crow_ — he did not have the same talent as Keith to maintain a poker face while groping. Nope, he was working on it (so much practice, _all the practise_ , he thought with a goofy smile), but he wasn’t quite there yet.

 

Keith gave Lance a raised eyebrow, _a challenging eyebrow_ if Lance ever saw one, but he wasn’t in the mood to be choking on his food today, so Lance settled for stretching a foot out, pressing against Keith’s.

 

Maybe he secretly thrilled at the reappearance of that slightly disappointed frown on Keith’s face — Lance hid his smile behind his spoonful of orange goop.

 

Dinner was tasty, but also, repetitive. Lance held up his orange goop and announced to the table at large, “Right, this is great and all, but we sincerely need to start investigating other ways of producing food. Like, those salads? Great — gotta expand that garden and do more with that.”

“Okay, but I’m honestly okay with the orange goop being our staple food for now,” Hunk said cheerfully, pausing to wave at Pidge as she came in late to the meal. “I’ve managed to successfully recreate it a few times. Until we get hydroponics up and running so I can _really_ get to cooking, why mess with a good thing?”

 

“Because variety is the spice of life, man!” Lance argued, gesturing for emphasis. “We need more varied sustenance in the meantime. We need something that tastes like  _chicken._ ”

 

“Really, you want variety, and your go-to flavour is  _chicken_?” Keith took a bite and gave Lance an innocent look when the Blue Paladin glared. Lance kicked at him, but Keith captured his foot between his two shins and refused to let go. Lance decided that maybe sitting across from Keith was a bad idea after all. Keith kept his foot prisoner despite Lance’s discreet attempts to break free. Eventually, Lance gave up, slumping in his chair and eating without further protest.

 

Pidge dropped into her seat, pulling her computer out and giving it to Hunk — Lance was about to fake-scold her for bringing her devices to the dinner table again, but she spoke before he could gear up for his rant.

 

“It’s  _done._ ” She sounded immensely satisfied.

 

Hunk made a loud, happy sound, grabbing up the computer. “Heck yeah, Pidge! This calls for a celebration! More orange goop! We should have plenty leftover from my Just Invented Badass Jetpacks Extravaganza —”

 

“What’s done?” Lance pressed in as close to Hunk as he could with one leg still trapped between Keith’s shins.

 

“Oh Pidge, this is wonderful!” Even Allura knew what was going on? Well, then again, she had those mice spying on everything, so Lance shouldn’t be all that surprised.

 

“Yes, congratulations on your first official dissertation, Pidge!” Shiro raised his glass to their resident scientist, his smile distinctly proud.

 

“Oh, that’s really cool. Good job.” Keith patted her on the back.

 

Lance wanted to congratulate her too, but then he caught a glimpse of the title. “Wait …  _Pidge,_ why is this _… Did you write about me and Keith?!_ ” He reached over his best friend, yanking the computer away to quickly skim Pidge’s work. “ _The Effects of Repression and Denial as Applied to Romantic Archetypes in High Tension War-time Scenarios of Intergalactic Scale — Specific to Voltron Paladins of Primary Colours._ ”

 

“I’m a primary colour.” Hunk went back to eating, shooting Lance a teasing smirk. “I hope you further specified that Yellow is an exception.”

 

“Absolutely, don’t worry.” Lance did _not_ appreciate Pidge’s answering smug look. “And yes, it is about you and Keith. I told you I wasn’t spying — I was compiling data.”

 

Coran lifted his glass of wine towards the Green Paladin, his grin wide and affectionate. “And there was so much data to compile! I honestly haven’t seen such blatant refusal to confront emotions since my days in the Engineering Academy. Brutal. Uncompromising. No tears allowed, and we built magnificent machines on the backs of our suppressed anxiety and cracking mental stability _._ ”

 

Coran appeared disturbingly happy with these memories. One day Lance was going to sit that guy down and get the story of his life. But right now, Lance was busy being annoyed with his space family.

 

Keith seemed way too mellow about all this. “Right. Science for the sake of happiness. Just tell me you aren’t sending this in for review anywhere.”

 

Lance started reading more in-depth, whining out loud when he caught repeated uses of words and phrases such as _dense, oblivious, unobservant, lacking common sense, inability to connect emotions to concrete reality …_ Pidge was merciless. _Scientifically without mercy._

 

“Well,” Pidge was saying, “there is one person who is uniquely qualified to read it, as she has a ten-year degree from a prestigious university, specializing in psychology and sentient-creature behaviours …”

 

“Pidge.  _No._ ” Keith's serenity cracked, panic peaking through. And if Lance understood what Pidge was implying, then he was right there with his boyfriend. Keith flattened his hands out on the table, imploring, “If you send it to Ter-Rinel,  _she’ll spread it across all of Gyroq._ And then, if it makes it to  _Deltris_ —”

 

 _If it made it to Deltris,_ Lance thought hysterically, _there would be a billion copies made inside of month, mass distributed to the entire universe._

 

“It’s a scientific dissertation, with all the formality and jargon that implies!” Pidge did not look even remotely moved by their freaked-outness. If anything, she looked _amused_. “Quite frankly, Ter-Rinel needs some solid real-life examples of  _repression_ ” — her finger pointed towards Keith — “and denial” — then Lance — “to aid her in her work.”

 

Hunk, _the betrayer,_ joined in to agree with Pidge. “Hey, after being such annoying jerks for  _months_ while you worked your feelings out all over the Castle and Voltron, I’m glad you’re being held up as examples of what  _not_ to do _._ ”

 

Lance was working up a good head of steam, but their leader spoke up, calm as always.

 

“No one is going to read this for fun, guys,” Shiro said. “No offense, Pidge, but it’s really technical, it doesn’t even use your names —”

 

“Because there are  _so many Blue and Red Paladins of Voltron_  —” Lance began hotly.

 

Pidge shot him a quick, reassuring smile, not a hint of teasing this time. “And Ter-Rinel is trustworthy. If I tell her to keep it to herself, she will. I'll be requesting that she keep it solely for her own records, so calm down, Lance.”

 

Keith exhaled in a long burst. “Okay. That’s fine. I meant what I said — good job on this. I mean, it’s pretty impressive work to write a dissertation …”

 

Now his own boyfriend was abandoning the fight? Lance jabbed at him under the table with the toes of his free foot. “Keith, she called us dense and repressed.”

 

“Yeah? I’ll take repressed over dense.” Keith struck back swiftly with his own feet, and Lance only just held back a yelp. “How long did it take for you to even  _realize_ you liked me?”

 

“Only a tiny bit longer than it took for you to  _confess_. _”_ Lance tried to kick him again, but now Keith had both of Lance's feet in a tight grip between his calves. “As soon as my brain clicked onto  _Keith is cool and I want to kiss his face,_ I told you _within twenty seconds,_  instead of brooding about it  _forever_.”

 

His boyfriend rolled his eyes, refusing to let go of Lance’s legs. “Come talk to me when you’ve had to deal with  _your stupid face_ for _months_ while crushing on it, and wanting to kiss it, but not being able to because it was  _too_   _thick to know it wanted the same thing._ ”

 

The princess leaned her face onto her clasped hands, her eyes alight with humour. “Such a romance for the ages. I can see why half the universe is so enamoured with you two.”

 

Lance grinned proudly, and Keith abruptly let go of his struggling feet — but he’d been waiting for just such a move. Lance shot Keith a smug wink when he stayed perfectly in place on his chair, absorbing the momentum with a casual slouch back. Keith huffed quietly, but his smile was still there.

 

“Grand Moon Melquisor has sent yet another invitation for Lance and Keith, by the way,” Coran announced, showing something to Allura on his computer. “This one seems safe …”

 

Lance was ready to interject, but the Princess did it for him.

 

“If it mentions  _any_ festivals, anniversaries, rituals or a gathering of more than fifty people, it is  _not_ safe.” Allura actually blushed as she spoke, which had Lance tensing. “Well, it would be  _safe,_ as you wouldn’t be in any danger, but, ah, unless you’ve suddenly become exhibitionist —”

 

“Nope, never, not happening,” he said instantly, waving his hands as if to ward off the lovely (voyeuristic) citizens of Deltris.

 

“Ditto,” Keith tacked on fervently. “Also, could we get Captain Beatru to ease up on the holo business a little? The last planet we made first contact with  _already knew_ about Lance and me. It was creepy.”

 

Quite suddenly, the Princess ceased to blush and gave a sharp, shiny smile. “Forgive me, but it’s been such a fabulous tool for recruitment … And diplomacy has hardly ever been easier for me! So many people willing to join the Arco Iris Alliance just to meet the Red and Blue Battle Lovers —”

 

“Ah, that  _name_!” Lance coughed out his disgust, hands at his throat. Why couldn’t their couple title have been something way more badass? Like _Blue Lightning and Red Thunder._ So what if thunder was a _sound_ and therefore didn’t have colour? It sounded _badass._

 

“— and it’s clear that while they start off as fans, they are aware of the threat the Galra pose, especially after that small incursion near Jeeroonian space, and are willing to lend aid and troops in whatever ways they are able.”

 

“Listen, if you two are uncomfortable with this, of course we’ll do everything we can to keep you out of the limelight.” Shiro, their brave and understanding leader, gave them both intense, somewhat worried looks. “If you’re feeling threatened, or just a little awkward about it all, we can —”

 

“It’s not that bad, at least … not yet.” Keith rushed to add on that last bit before Lance could point out that _it could and would always get worse_. “Just … maybe less with the parades and the requests for public make-outs?”

 

“Yeah, uh, I love to mack on my boyfriend, but screaming crowds, or that one time with the guys who liked to throw wet bread? Yeah, really not all that romantic. Or enjoyable. Like, at all.” Lance couldn’t resist giving Keith a flirty, affectionate smile, and he didn’t care how cheesy it was. “Not to diminish your kissing abilities, Red — you still make me swoon.”

 

Lance had to hold back a high-pitched squeal as Keith ducked his head, his own smile one of the sweetest things Lance had ever seen. “Yeah, it’s, you know. Same.”

 

Pidge ignored them, asking Shiro, “Do you think we could stop by Gyroq so I could give this to Ter-Rinel in person? The less we transmit, the better, and I would feel more comfortable giving her a physical copy — less likely to end up spread across the galaxy that way.”

 

“Maybe in a week or two.” Shiro paused there, and Lance went back to finishing off his dinner … and creeping his foot over towards Keith … Who just let it happen, pressing in close and acting totally indifferent. Lance leaned further over his practically empty plate to hide his own giddy grin.

 

 “Um, if everyone’s all done, I need to have a talk with Lance and Keith.” Shiro seemed pretty serious.

 

Lance instantly reviewed everything he’d done lately, frantically searching for the infraction he was about to get lectured over … Something that he and Keith had done together … Did Shiro find out about the grenade they accidentally set off in the pool? Not even the mice knew about that one, so it couldn’t be …

 

Hunk did him a solid ( _not_ ) by volunteering some info. “If it’s about not using the holograms to scare me into thinking Sasquatch is real and an alien out for my blood, I’m cool with hearing this lecture.”

 

“ _Hunk!_ You  _snitch_!” Lance frowned at his best bud, making a mental note to pay him back for this _later,_ maybe with a hologram of the velociraptors from Jurassic Park since Hunk was seriously freaked out by those as a kid. The fact that Hunk could and would seek revenge in equally creative ways didn’t bother Lance — _that_ was part of the fun of their friendship, after all.

 

“Ah, no, but thanks for letting me know about that, Hunk. It’s more … personal, and …” Shiro glanced towards Allura, and Lance redirected his inner inquiry to things Allura could have found out about. He’d already been chewed out over his joyrides with the speeders in the hangers …

 

The princess, strangely enough, started blushing. “Oh! Right! Of course, let’s leave Shiro to have this talk —”

 

Coran interrupted with a clap and a grin. “Are you sure we can’t help? Is this about using the gravity well on Trell to slingshot their lions into the nearby sun?” His hands rubbed together quickly. “Near incineration merits a talking-to, and I feel like, as an honorary uncle of sorts, no, an older brother of refined —”

 

“We didn’t nearly  _incinerate,_ ” Keith objected and Lance nodded passionately in agreement. “We had it totally under control  _and_ we out-maneuvered the Galra ships, which was the whole  _point_ of —”

 

Shiro slammed something onto the table, _hard,_ and said very loudly, “Okay, if you don’t want to witness me giving a supremely awkward talk about safe sex and consent, then  _kindly leave the room._ ”

 

Were those … _space condoms?!_ Lance screamed inside his brain, and a spilt second later he started howling on the outside of it too.“ _Oh my god, please no_!”

 

His boyfriend sat there, frozen in shock and completely unhelpful, while everybody else beat a hasty retreat. Lance could see Pidge glance at them once, sympathetic, before she speedily rounded the corner. They were left completely alone, at Shiro’s mercy.

 

“Shiro, nothing is _happening,_ ” Keith blurted, stumbling over his words in his hurry to stop this trainwreck. “Please, you don’t need to —”

 

“I went through this with my mom, my abuela, my dad, _and_ my older brother _._ Please, Shiro, _have mercy._ ” Lance was willing to cry if it would get him out of this hell. The tears would be _all too easy_ to summon.

 

“I can’t let you guys go without being _absolutely sure_ that you understand how safe you need to be. I talked with Allura, and she says —”

 

“You spoke to the Princess about our sex lives?!” His voice went high enough to cause winces from Keith and Shiro. Lance considered, frantically, if the escape pods would be a viable option — he and Keith could probably make it there before Shiro caught on. He tried to signal the Red Paladin, but Keith was focused on slowly sliding under the table.

 

“Listen, this is not my idea of a good time, either, okay?” Shiro said somewhat snappily, causing both Lance and Keith to flinch. “Sorry, guys, just …”

 

Their leader took in a deep breath, closed his eyes, and tried again in a steadier tone. “You guys are my friends and family. You’re my fellow Paladins. I _do not_ want to think about you two having intercourse” — Lance squawked because somehow that was _worse_ than just saying _having sex_ — “but as you don’t have any elder relatives on this ship, I need to take some responsibility as the older human. I know for a _fact_ that Keith hasn’t gotten any real education about this, and I’m sorry, Lance, but while you may have, I need to be equal and fair.”

 

Shiro breathed out measuredly. “And maybe a part of me is being a bit selfish, since it’s also for my own peace of mind — this way I know everyone has all the relevant information, and there’s a much smaller chance of anything potentially dangerous or embarrassing happening, um, beyond this embarrassment right now. So please cut me some slack, and let me ease my conscience, okay? Be as miserable as you want, but _listen._ ”

 

Lance took several deep breaths of his own, then nodded — he wouldn’t bolt until this was over. For Shiro. And for Keith, who had flushed bright red when Shiro mentioned his lack of a formal and familial education when it came to this. _Right, for my boyfriend and for my space mentor — I can stay and suffer._

 

Shiro shoved the box in Keith’s direction, gazing over at him sternly. “Allura says that there are some venereal diseases out here in space that are treatable but not _curable._ And the chances of us getting them are obviously pretty low right now, but —”

 

“Dude, I’m not planning on banging anyone other than … I mean, Keith and me, we’re exclusive, but also we _haven’t_ —” Lance stuttered to a halt and then just moaned, putting his head down on the table.

 

Across from him, Keith slumped even further, his knees bumping Lance’s.

 

“That’s … good, I guess?” Shiro sounded as though he also would like to space himself, but Shiro was the one inflicting this hell upon them, so while Lance was willing to stay out of respect for his leader, he did _not_ feel sorry for his pain. “However, I want to be clear that these kinds of infections can be spread by, uh, not only the conventional means of sexual conduct, but also orally —”

 

“We haven’t had _any of the sex,_ Shiro!” Keith burst out, sitting up straight. “None of it. Stop. _Please_.”

 

“Well, whenever you _do_ decide,  _together,_ with _full knowledge and consent_ of what you’ll be doing, use these,” Shiro said, giving no quarter.

 

Lance looked up to see Shiro pointing at the space condoms, glaring at Keith until the Red Paladin ripped open the box and proceeded to shove them into various pockets.

 

Honestly, the sight of Keith cramming condoms into every pocket on his person, at Shiro’s behest, would’ve been hilarious — if Lance didn’t want to die right in this moment.

 

Shiro brought another box onto the table — Lance braced himself for it to be tossed at his head, but no, all Shiro did was slide a couple of condoms over to Lance … and then reach under the table for two _distinctly phallic vegetables._ Lance squeaked. Keith’s jaw dropped.

 

“Right, so this was the best I could find to practise on. I think we got these from Celthrius? Ah, just so I can be sure that you both know how to do this properly …” Shiro threw one cucumber-looking food item to each of them. Lance caught it and then immediately dropped it in front of him.

 

Keith snatched it out of the air, staring at it in his hand with unabashed horror.

 

Shiro crossed arms. “Okay, go for it. If you're not sure how, you can ask …”

 

Lance blinked. Swallowed. And then ripped open the condom package and pulled that condom down onto the vegetable in less than two seconds. He threw it back at Shiro. “I pass, okay! _Can we please move on._ ” He wiped his hands on his jeans because, apparently, those condoms came pre-lubed, smelling like lavender, and _great,_ now his space shower gel was going to remind him of _space condoms._

Keith had remained frozen throughout all of that, his cheeks and ears distinctly red, matching his jacket. Lance gestured sharply at him to just _get it done, holy crap, Keith, stop prolonging the torture!_ And Keith finally did it, slightly less smoothly than Lance, but he, too, appeared to be competent enough to apply said condom, leaving space at the … top of the vegetable and … Lance stared at the table, at the couple of drops of lavender-scented space condom lube, once again questioning all of his life and his choices and _how did he end up here, putting space condoms on an alien gourd?_

 

He heard Keith _whip_ that sheathed gourd at Shiro. Lance glanced up in time to see Shiro catching it just before it him in the nose.

 

The Black Paladin glared at Keith, but his lips were twitching slightly. He inspected both vegetables. “Right, that’s … good, guys. Well done.”

 

“Oh goodie, a passing grade on condom application from the head of Voltron,” Lance said bleakly. “Let’s not put this on my records, okay? Please?” His voice cracked and died part way through that sentence, so he lapsed into a mortified silence.

 

Keith moved rapidly, his hands grabbing a cloth napkin to wipe his fingers clean.

 

Shiro put the vegetables away … somewhere (Lance hoped they were going to be _incinerated_ ) _,_ and then clasped his hands together in front of himself on the table.

 

“Switching tracks a bit — you both know that _consent_ isn’t ever meant to be _implied_ or _assumed._ ” In this, Shiro did not appear to be even slightly embarrassed. He held each of their gazes solemnly. “You should _never_ doubt if your partner is okay with what’s happening. If you’re doubting, you should be _asking._ Ask as many times as you need to feel comfortable, even if — and _you should_ — have had a conversation before you started. And I shouldn’t have to tell you that if one of you is _unconscious_ or —”

 

“Neither of us would ever hurt each other,” Lance stated firmly, emerging from his humiliation to speak seriously. “Not ever. I get what you’re saying, Shiro, but we wouldn’t.”

 

“I know, I know you’re both good people,” Shiro spoke kindly towards Lance before leaning back to address the two of them, “but sometimes we think things are okay, and they’re _not_. Furthermore, you can call a halt whenever. Even if you’re in the middle of things. Even if you’re right at the end. You can say _no_ at _any point._ I know whichever of you hears that _no,_ he will respect it. I just … had to make sure to say all of this out loud.”

 

Keith gave a half-smile. “I get it … We heard you, loud and clear.” Lance nodded in earnest agreement.

 

Shiro smiled back at them both. “Good. So … Um, take things one step at a time, and, um …” Their brave and noble Black Paladin coughed, his cheeks flushing.

 

Lance felt the mortification rear its ugly head again. He prepared to dive under the table. He didn’t care if that made him a coward. 

 

“Okay.” Shiro paused to take in another deep breath. “Now that the most important parts are clear, I feel the need to tell you that … if you decide to perform oral sex, there’s things you need be aware of, along with safety and consent — details like being mindful of teeth, and that no one should try anything too adventurous right away, like attempting to take —”

 

The wail that emerged from Lance was a sound that had never been heard in any corner of the universe, he was sure. It was something of a cross between the high-pitched scream of a velociraptor and the low moan of a dying walrus.

 

Keith had gone paler than ever, and he all but threw himself across the table, begging, “ _No. You are not giving us a how-to on blow jobs, Shiro!_ ”

 

“But _he is,_ ” Lance cried pitifully. “He is, and I will never be able to unhear it.”

 

“— everything in at once,” Shiro finished, his face somewhat grey. “Choking isn’t sexy.”

 

“Unless, I mean, you’re into it,” Lance joked to himself in a stunning demonstration of his _lack of filter._ He then promptly _choked_ on his words when Keith _and_ Shiro whipped around to gape at him. “ _I TAKE IT BACK._ ”

 

“There’s no kink shaming here.” Shiro tried to sound reassuring, but Lance heard the strain in his words. “But _under no circumstance_ are you to attempt _anything like that_ without first doing _thorough research and having multiple conversations placing limits and safewords for said kinks._ ”

 

“I could’ve died happy _never_ hearing you say the words _kink_ or _safeword,_ ” Keith said in a flat tone. “Fuck my life.”

 

“Which brings me to my next point about an—”

 

“Nope!” Keith shouted, going from zero to sixty in half a tick. “If you’re going to talk about _preparation and lube,_ I got it, okay?! I spent a _year_ in the desert with an actually decent Internet connection — when I wasn’t hunting Blue, I was confirming that I was gay in pretty … straightforward ways, _shut up,_ Lance, _do not make that joke._ ” Lance’s mouth snapped closed, lips forming a pout because _come on,_ that had been _so obvious,_ how could he not? “And Lance got his sex talks before, so I’m sure he knows. Plus, he used to have a hidden folder on his computer called —”

 

“ _Shut up, Keith!”_ Lance held a hand to his chest, terrified and affronted at the same time. “You _swore_ never to speak of that again!”

 

“Porn is not a viable teacher,” Shiro interrupted their potential fight smoothly. “Seriously, guys, ninety-nine percent of that bullshit is just that — bullshit. Preparation will vary. Some people need _a lot_ , some people need a lot _less_ , so you have to be careful. I think you should err on the side of caution, but you’ll have —”

 

“Shiro, if you start giving us the ins-and-outs of fingering — _no, Lance, no_ — I will start flinging cutlery. See if I don’t,” Keith threatened, hands forming fists around a fork and a spoon.

 

Lance, thwarted from making _yet another fantastic joke in an attempt to alleviate his suffering,_ slouched in his seat and stared up at the ceiling — a Galra attack would be _great_ right about now. He had never had heard so many sexual terms, references, innuendos, and been _less turned on._ Like, in the negatives of arousal, if there were such a thing. Which there was. Lance had just discovered it.

 

“Right, so I think I’ve got everything really important — and I’ve sent you both, um, some guides that Allura provided —”

 

“Again, I can’t believe you talked about this with _Allura,_ ” Lance rasped out. He didn’t want to imagine _that_ conversation, but his brain, _the bastard,_ was off to the races.

 

“Alteans share a very similar physiology!” Shiro defended himself, his own face entirely red. He had his computer on hand now, bringing up said guide to show them. “I read them over after she had them translated — they’re simple and have plenty of useful facts and details.”

 

At which point Shiro demonstrated by showing them a diagram of _something,_ Lance didn’t know what, because he was too busy covering his face with both hands. Keith let loose a half-garbled yell. Lance peaked between his fingers to see Shiro flicking through the guide and then saying, “There’s a whole section on oral sex, and incredibly helpful pictures when it come to preparation —” _Cue more horrifying diagrams._

 

“Shiro …” Keith drifted off, apparently rendered speechless in his agony. Lance dropped his hands and groaned as though he were mortally wounded.

 

Shiro ignored both of them as he pocketed his computer, sparing them any further anatomical drawings. “There’s more condoms in the medical wing. Check your computers, read those damn guides _in their entirety,_ and I will never bring this up again. Unless you have questions or concerns.” Shiro sighed heavily. “As awful as this was for all of us, please know that you both can come to me. Or Coran, who I’ll let know about … Just … yes. Okay. We’re done. Thanks for not combusting or running out on me.”

 

“Thanks for submitting yourself to this for our sake,” Keith said, calm once again. “But we’re gonna run now.”

 

Shiro collapsed back in his seat, looking both relieved and exhausted. He lifted one hand in a limp wave. “By all means.”

 

Lance and Keith barely had to glance at each other to take off in unison. Lance knew _exactly_ where he wanted to go, so he grabbed Keith’s wrist as they exploded out the doors, and dragged him along to his favourite observation deck.

 

He took a flying leap over the long couch, nearly tripping over another nearby cushioned chair. Keith landed directly on said couch and immediately lay down, both hands up and covering his face. “That. Was. The. _Worst._ ”

 

“No, stop, we are not talking about this!” Lance dropped himself right beside Keith, tangling their legs, resting his upper half partially over Keith’s, his face buried in that soft black t-shirt. “I’m just gonna … think about happy things. Like Hunk’s new jetpacks that he’s working on. Or how Blue and I have totally mastered the _Blue Paladin Barrel Roll and Ice Flip._ My special move, dude, it’s _devastating._ ”

 

Keith chuckled, his hands coming up to rest on Lance’s back. “Right. Did you come up with the name, or was that all Blue?”

 

Lance turned his head, pressing an ear right over Keith’s heart. “It was a collaboration, and it’s _awesome._ Quit acting like it’s not.”

 

“Nah, I’ve seen you and Blue pull it off — it’s pretty cool.”

 

A few happy murmurs escaped Lance, nonsensical, and he closed his eyes, basking in the warm presence of Keith, his fellow Paladin, one of his best friends, his _boyfriend,_ and tried to let the horror of their post-dinner conversation just float away. One of Keith’s hands drifted up to his hair, tangling and stroking — Lance gave a happy sigh. All was well.

 

Until he slid a hand along Keith’s chest, beneath that cropped red jacket, and the back of said hand brushed against one of that jacket’s inner pockets, which were stuffed full of condoms.

 

“I sort of still wanna die.” Lance groaned, withdrawing his hand as he sought refuge in Keith’s chest again. “How about you?”

 

“I was just starting to feel better, actually — thanks for ruining it,” Keith complained, but his hands were resting cozily on Lance’s back, and his voice sounded amused, maybe?

 

Lance glanced up at him, offering up a half-smile. “I get that he had to do it. Shiro is awesome like that. But. I just. Gah.” He made a disgusted face, hearing an echo of Shiro saying the words _intercourse_ and _oral sex,_ and Lance shuddered — _never, nope, that is all ruined forever._ Lance’s head felt heavy as he sagged back down. “I don’t think I ever want to have sex now.”

 

“Really?” Keith said, and he _definitely_ sounded amused now. “Never ever?”

 

“… Okay, so that was a lie.” A self-conscious chuckle burst out of him, his fingers stroking in minute movements along Keith’s shirt. “You’re too hot for me to not want to bang you.”

 

The pecs beneath his hands flinched — Lance could hear the faintest hint of suppressed laughter. “The romance, you have it in spades.”

 

Lance hid a smirk as he lifted a hand, poking at Keith without moving his head. Keith jerked a bit, laughter no longer suppressed as he poked back, just short of Lance’s ticklish spots along his side.

 

However, Keith didn’t bother instigating one their tickling wrestling matches, instead saying, “But I know what you mean. The things Shiro said were freaking _terrifying_ because _he_ was the one saying them. And describing them. And then that thing with the diagrams —”

 

“Stop, Keith,  _flashbacks, trauma,_ geez —” Lance whined into the black shirt, eyes squeezing shut in pained remembrance.

 

“But …” Keith said nothing for a while, and Lance tilted his head up just slightly, watching Keith think before he spoke again, “If it’s just us, and maybe if you were talking to me about those things …”

 

 _Oh._ Suddenly, Lance’s brain switched tracks from cringing _away_ from all those terrible, terrible things Shiro had said, to imagining Keith voicing said sexual acts, and … but no, _too soon._ “Yeah. Um. Let’s save that for a day when I’m not reliving the fresh hell of Shiro making us practice condom application on Celthrian vegetables.”

 

Keith shivered. “Okay, I get what you mean about flashbacks, I’m sorry, please cease and desist.”

 

His hands kept stroking along Lance’s back, gentle and comforting; Lance felt more at home than he ever had before on this Castle.

 

He pushed himself upwards, his arms on either side of Keith’s chest, and he stared down at his boyfriend, not bothering to withhold any bit of what he felt for this boy who was blinking up at him, splayed out beneath Lance in complete trust and affection.

 

“There’s no one else I’d rather have beside me during a highly traumatizing safe sex lecture from my Voltron leader slash older brother figure slash pilot idol.” Lance bent his elbows, dropping down so he could stare directly into those gorgeous grey-indigo eyes. “I want you around for any and all other potential horrors. And also for all the good stuff. And for all the sad times. Just … stick with me for all the things, please. I promise to stick by you.”

 

Keith stared up at him, reflecting unbridled love right back at Lance, looking so _accepting_ of it, and _content,_ and … A cloud rose up in Lance’s chest, this tangible sensation of lightness that had _weight_ to it — weighted with the sheer power of feeling, but those feelings themselves were everything bright and wonderful. Rather than giving it a name, as it still felt fresh and not fully formed, Lance simply basked in their quiet, soft moment.

 

“You’ve got me for as long as you want me around.” Keith’s hands trailed down to Lance’s waist, and then kept going until his fingers were locking low on Lance’s back. His eyes shone, so very full of the same liquid starlight Lance felt rushing through his veins, causing his heart to skip several beats. “I’m crap at talking about this stuff, but … I’m pretty sure I’ll want you around for a long time. Longer than we might actually have.”

 

Too much could go wrong, had gone wrong in this war, but Lance refused to allow any dark thoughts to take hold — to counter them, Lance let himself sink down slowly, relishing the solid warmth of Keith beneath him. “Shh, let’s not make this one of the sad times,” Lance murmured. He closed his eyes when he was close enough to dip his head down for a kiss — a kiss that Keith met him halfway on.

 

Strong arms reached up and drew Lance the rest of the way down. He lay there, on top of Keith, kissing gently, hands gathered up beneath Keith’s shoulders, while Keith’s own hands lightly glided up and down Lance’s back.

 

They kissed until they were too tired to continue, until Lance sighed out in exhausted happiness, head dropping to Keith’s chest again. He breathed deep from the air of contentment surrounding them, his mind foggy and fading, but then Keith sat up gradually, causing a whine to escape Lance and echo around them.

 

“We have perfectly comfortable rooms,” Keith said, clearing his throat when his voice came out in a rasp. Lance had to smile smugly because _he_ had contributed to that. “And I refuse to get a crick in the neck _again._ ”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Lance said, playing at being annoyed. “I’ve got to do my nightly skin maintenance anyways, so I was going to get up soon.”

 

“Sure.” Keith helped him up with one hand, a half-smile and raised eyebrow accompanying his dry tone. “That’s why I heard the beginnings of some truly impressive snor—”

 

“ _I don’t snore,_ ” Lance barked out, now _actually_ annoyed. But nowhere near enough to stop the grin from breaking out at Keith’s laughter.

 

They walked together, fingers tangled loosely, silently at peace in each other’s presence. Lance’s room came up first; as they both paused, Keith tugged him down into a quick … then not-so-quick … kiss. Soft, sweet, simple. Lance’s eyes stayed shut for a few seconds after Keith drew back to murmur in the negligible space between their lips, “Good night.”

 

When Lance opened his eyes, Keith had backed up a few steps, smiling in a way that reached his eyes. His boyfriend gave a silly little wave that had Lance giggling as Keith finally walked away to his room just a few doors down. They stared at each other until they both opened their doors and disappeared inside their respective rooms nearly simultaneously.

 

Lance immediately face planted on his bed and sighed long and loud, ending on another ecstatic little laugh. He sat up after smiling goofily at his ceiling, stripping off his top, getting ready to wash his face … And spotted his tablet computer sitting innocently on a table. Except not innocently. Because Shiro had sent him a _freaking sex guide._

Apparently Lance’s shame and humiliation wasn’t enough of a deterrent to keep him from being incredibly curious about its contents now.

 

He hesitated as he stood up to reach for it, his hand hovering for several moments before finally swooping down and snatching up the damn computer. If anything, his curiosity was centred purely on the Altean culture and what they considered to be relevant in terms of …

 

He gulped as his eyes began scanning over the images that so helpfully illustrated the finer points of this text. _Okay. There is definitely an entire chapter just on oral sex._ He’d clicked on it before his brain could start screeching reminders of all the horror he’d endured today. He skimmed through a variety of descriptions and helpful hints, staring at the images and realizing that … he wasn’t exactly feeling all that embarrassed anymore.

So maybe he could broach these topics with Keith sooner rather than later? _Maybe._

 

But definitely not tonight. Or tomorrow. Or pretty much any time in the next few movements. It would be … a while, but possibly not _that_ long of a while.

 

That bright heaviness resettled in his chest, and he smiled … With Keith, it could be amazing. He knew they could laugh at each other’s nerves, at their fumbling and mistakes, and they could slow down or speed up however they wanted — it would be hilarious and awkward and amazing, and he didn’t want it with anyone else ( _maybe no one else ever,_ whispered the back of his mind), and they could _practise_ as much as their Paladin duties permitted …

 

Lance fell back on his bed, computer resting on his bare stomach as he giggled up at his ceiling again. He stretched his hands out on either side of him, along the cool sheets, imagining coming in contact with heated skin, paler than his own, and that long black hair …

 

He ended up skipping his skincare regimen, falling asleep all too soon as he got lost in daydreams that became _real_ dreams. And he was annoyed only briefly the next day, as he lay in bed, his frown turning into a soft smile as he lingered in those dreams for just a little while longer …

 

Then the image of Shiro holding a condom covered vegetable flashed in his mind’s eye. Lance was up and scrambling to play some music on his computer, washing his face, singing out loud, desperately trying to drown out his own traitorous thoughts.

 

 _Definitely_ going to take a few weeks before they could talk (or _do anything_ ) about this — any attempts on his or Keith’s part would just end in them cringing away from each other for the next while. Of all the embarrassing things that could happen to Lance for his first time, he absolutely did _not_ want his story to contain the scenario of  _couldn’t do it since anything and everything reminded us of the trauma of our space big brother/mentor figure wielding condom sheathed vegetables._

******

**Author's Note:**

> *hides head in shame* And there you go. 
> 
> Thank you to the ones who requested this, even if this nearly killed me to write ;) I'm not taking any requests as I've still got several more to go for this 'verse, and I've got my space cowboys keeping me busy too! I'm pretty excited, as the next prompts in this 'verse take place after the main story, so it's all a blank slate now :D
> 
> If you spot any mistakes, feel free to point them out to me — any and all comments are welcome, but I'm grateful to anyone who chose to read this! *hugs* Y'all are also welcome to hang out with me on [Tumblr](http://thisgirlhastales.tumblr.com/) where I rant about these Paladins, and other nerdy things :)


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